12 Signs You’re Dealing with a Passive Aggressive Person

There is a wall of difference between “Being Passive-Aggressive” and actually “Being a Passive-Aggressive Person”. Everyone can behave passive aggressively from time to time, depending on the situation at hand and also due to some personal reasons. But if/when it becomes a pattern, that’s when it actually becomes a problem; and that’s when they move from just BEING PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE (occasionally acting passive-aggressively) to actually BECOMING A PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE PERSON (turning the seldom acts into a habit which in turn turns into a personality).

Wondering what Passive-Aggression actually means?… The article below will guide you on the Meaning, Causes and Management of passive aggression.

RELATED POST:  The Passive Aggressive Personality

Sometimes you can’t quite guess why communication or relationship with someone could be so draining, uncomfortable or downright S0ul-crushing. Well, it’s possible you’ve been dealing with a passive-aggressive person. These kind of people are experts at keeping things subtle and vague, but once you know the signs, they’re impossible to miss. So if you’ve been wondering if you’re dealing with a passive-aggressive person, here are 12 warning signs you should definitely look out for.

1. They Weaponize the Silent Treatment.

Silent treatment is withholding attention and engaging in emotional abandonment to express displeasure or dissatisfaction.  A passive-aggressive person uses it to attack someone’s self-esteem and causes harm by creating an environment of fear, anxiety and sadness. There are times when someone just needs to distance and disengage from a conversation in a healthy way. They may say, “I’m feeling upset so I will just need space” or “Can we continue this conversation later?” but the passive-aggressive person, however, isn’t like this. They pick offense but still refuse to say what is wrong and only start speaking once you are finally manipulated into doing what they want you to do.

2. They Ghost and Distance without saying why.

The passive-aggressive person may suddenly avoid seeing you and decline invites citing being “busy,” “too occupied,” “not around” or “unavailable” as a reason. When you invite them, they may give vague answers like, “I will try” or “I’ll see if I can make it.” Worse off.. they may even say yes, then suddenly not show up; and when you confront them about it, they will still pretend that they’re just indeed busy. They’ll even be annoyed that you asked. They’ll say things like, “Can’t I be busy?, “Dont I have anything doing”, “Am I Jobless?” Why does everything revolve around you?”… thereby lowkey trying to gaslight you. In as much as some of them just want some space and time away from you, there are some who want you to feel that “they’re out of your life.” They do this hoping that you’d beg them in return and be willing to do whatever it is that they’ve always wanted you to do just so as to have them back.

3. Or They Find Other People to Hat£ with.

This is quite the opposite of the passive-aggressive ‘ghosters’. Compared to those who ghost, there are really t0xic passive-aggressive persons who consciously find other people to hat£ you with. They will nitpick small interactions and make a compilation of things they detest or don’t like about a person. Terrible if it happens to be you, especially in a work or school environment because, they will sometimes even have friendship cliques based on hating together and cultivating resentment towards people.

4. They Sigh, Sulk and Show Negative Body Language.

By far the easiest to spot is the passive-aggressive person who will roll their eyes when you are talking, sigh when they pass you by, or sulk when you are in the same room as them. They may also drop things, slam cabinets or doors, stomp their feet, almost anything else other than SAY what is actually wrong. And what’s annoying is that even if you do ask them or comment on how they’re acting strange, they’ll pretend that they haven’t heard anything you said. Even if they actually behave like they heard you, they’ll still pretend that they didn’t realize they were actually acting strange. You still won’t know what specifically is wrong because they won’t tell you unless you beg and chase. Of course, this is very exhausting, downright draining and you’d have to be the “bigger person” most of the time for things to get resolved.

5. They are always “Fine” and “Okay” coupled with their Fake Auto-Smile.

While there’s the sulking passive-aggressive, what you’ve really got to watch out for are the ones who try to exaggerate that everything is okay. These types of passive-aggressive people have years of built-up anger and resentment hiding behind smiles; and can be the worst kind because, they have often learned manipulative ways to get what they want.  No matter how much they disagree or dislike what they see or hear, they will still put on a big smile. The passive-aggressive person has a difficult time expressing what they really think and feel and will often say everything is fine even when it is not, while at same time building resentment. They will say things are okay between the two of you but of course they keep on acting cold and aloof. It’s difficult to always guess what someone is feeling but if it reaches the point where you are second-guessing yourself—always wondering, “Did I do something wrong?” — then that’s a warning sign that you’re likely dealing with a passive-aggressive person.

6. They Intentionally Hide their Thoughts while Weaponizing the Mind-Reading Games.

The passive-aggressive person always withholds their opinions and never tells you what they really think or feel. They don’t really express what they like or don’t like, or what they honestly feel about the situation. Whether the context may be as simple as where to eat, or as big as deciding where to buy a house, they’d just pretend everything is fine. They’ll often act like they agree with people’s choices but at the same time, they “can’t help” but send out negative vibes and energy. They’re hoping that those vibes will help others get a clue of what they truly feel or think. They simply don’t like it that their disagreement, objection or contrary view has to come out from their mouth. And if others just don’t “get” their clues, they feel unloved or even insulted.

7. They make You feel like you’re Walking on Eggshells.

They won’t say what’s wrong but you can FEEL there’s something definitely wrong. And if you’re a highly sensitive person, this can make you feel like you’re walking on eggshells. When it gets to the point that you can’t do anything comfortably; you’re feeling anxious, scared, restless, perturbed, emotionally empty, mentally exhausted, so uncertain or even stressed just by walking around them, being around them or doing things around them, that’s a red flag! You’re most likely dealing with a passive-aggressive person.

8. They give Back-handed Compliments and Sarcastic Jokes while still Playing the Victim Card.

Rather than addressing a concern, they’ll say things like “Wow, you’re here early…that’s a surprise!”  Worse, they’ll tell sarcastic jokes, “Hey Snail team, how’s the project going? I’m glad you’re actually moving.” This one is at the top because they’re not the easiest to notice and even if you do, they can just easily gaslight you. The passive-aggressive person has the ready defense of “But that was a compliment! or “It was just a joke!”. They could even turn around to play the victim card and make you look like a petty, oversensitive person if you tell them that what they did was hurtful or offensive.

9. They Don’t Respect Boundaries.

The passive-aggressive person is usually not assertive and so they get offended when others are assertive and direct towards them. For instance, when you tell them that you don’t welcome unannounced visits, they’ll keep finding excuses to drop by because they don’t really want to honor your boundary in the first place. Or when you tell them that you don’t like your belongings taken without your consent, they’ll find reasons to keep taking your things without informing you first because they really do not want to respect your decisions. Whether unconscious or not, they are harboring resentments for your assertion of boundaries because they can’t assert for themselves. What’s worse, even when you do your best to be polite and kind when asserting these boundaries, they’ll make you feel like a terrible person for having needs, preferences, choices and limitations.

10. They often Put Other People on the Spot.

You clearly tell your friend that you are on a restricted diet for your health but they suddenly bring you to a restaurant with no other options. Then they make a joke about it expecting you to just order what’s available. Or you tell your staff that the budget for the project is tight and then they suddenly hire other people in without consulting you, expecting you to still pay up. They always intentionally put you in difficult positions which leave you with no other choice or better alternative. The t0xic passive-aggressive person knows that asserting what they want at a particular situation or a given time may be a losing game, but going behind your back to do certain things might get them that exact thing they want. So they forge ahead to do it, thereby putting you on the spot.

11) They Constantly Complain and Rant to you about Other People.

If your friend or family member is always ranting about someone else (and their situation never ever gets resolved), you are likely dealing with a passive-aggressive person. A passive-aggressive person is endlessly offended by other people but doesn’t ever bring it up to the appropriate person for resolution. They keep telling you how a particular person offended them and treated them badly; but they NEVER get to approach those people to actually talk with them in order to resolve these issues once and for all. Instead, they keep coming to you to make reports and complain about their “offenders”. So if they rant about other people to you, it’s highly likely they are ranting about YOU to other people too.

12. They Often Give Unsolicited Advice.

You can’t explain it but whenever they give you advice (that you didn’t ask for, by the way) it always ends up making you feel bad and terrible about yourself.  This is because the passive-aggressive person is only pretending to speak out of concern or goodwill whereas; in the real sense of it, they are only very busy just putting you down while feeling superior or good about themselves. The passive-aggressive person may not be able to directly say what they like or don’t like, but they do enjoy the feeling of telling other people how to be or what to do in situations, even when it is hurtful. Watch out for the ones who feign good intentions as these are the ones who look for opportunities to take a drastic hit on your self-esteem.

Conclusion:

In as much as anger, frustration and displeasure are normal emotions; people who rely on passive aggression rather than direct communication to show these emotions often grew up in families where that behaviour was common. It might not have felt safe for them to directly express their feelings as a child. Also, people can also pick up this behaviour as adults. Passive-aggressive people are usually the way they are because they have low self-esteem and so they struggle dealing with conflict. So before you judge them or cut ties with them, give them several chances to practice honest communication with you. You may have to keep telling them your needs before you see an improvement in the way they act. It may take time but it’s worth a shot. If the behaviour doesn’t change, consider getting the advice of a therapist. They can also help you decide if it’s time to reduce interaction with the person or step away from the relationship. But also know your limits around t0xic ones. Know that while you should be patient, it isn’t your job to fix them. Likewise, if you realize that you on your own part have some passive-aggressive traits yourself, you can see a Therapist to guide you through. That way, you can slowly and carefully take the steps to learn how to be more assertive, authentic and improve your relationships as a whole.