How to Spot an Emotionally Unavailable Man

Spotting men who are emotionally unavailable can be tricky atimes. The signs indicating that a man is emotionally unavailable are both obvious and not so obvious. Oftentimes, these signs only become evident when you are already dating him, which can lead to a lot of pain and hurt. But first, to know what being emotionally unavailable truly means… I’d suggest you read this..

Emotional Unavailability in Relationships – (An In-depth Look).

However, the following 10 emotionally unavailable characteristics of men can be helpful when you are trying to figure out if a man is ready to get into a relationship with you or not. And by knowing those signs, it will help you avoid unnecessary heartbreaks.


1. He is Distant.

The most obvious sign that a man is emotionally unavailable man is that he is distant and also keeps you at arm’s length. He doesn’t want to share much about himself and also doesn’t want to know much about you. He rarely asks you or answers questions from you that require a vulnerable or deep conversation. Oftentimes, when you’re dating an emotionally unavailable guy, you will feel like something is missing and as if there is a disconnect. The conversations don’t really flow and you find yourself trying hard to get something ‘interesting’ out of him. If that’s your current situation, then that might be a sign that he isn’t the right one for you. Look elsewhere.


2. He Hangs on to Past Hurts.

A lot of people who are emotionally unavailable have had bad experiences in the past that led to their current behaviour. The case could even be that of a childhood trauma. So you can’t really blame them for their behaviour most times. However, more often than not, a man tends to take a step back from vulnerability if they have experienced a painful breakup after opening up in a past relationship. He will try to protect himself from that same hurt by putting up a wall so that he can’t get too vulnerable or intimate with you. While he might think he is protecting his heart from being broken again, he is also preventing his heart from experiencing love again. Like I said earlier, you really can’t hold them against their actions cuz it’s just not their fault.


3. He is Secretive About His Past.

This point refers to men that have been heartbroken or have been the ones that did the heartbreaking. A person that connects a bad experience to their past relationship, either out of guilt or out of shame might be more secretive about it. It leaves you feeling that he doesn’t want to open up about his ex or talk about the reason for the breakup. This means he is avoiding sharing that part of him that would reveal his flaws, fears or hurt because he is not ready to face it yet.


But unfortunately, we only grow into good partners that are capable of a healthy and loving relationship only when we learn to acknowledge and deal with a past toxic or unloving behaviour. So, if he isn’t ready to face his dem*ns just yet, chances are high that he will have a hard and longer time connecting to you emotionally.


4. He is Overly Seductive.

A man that can be described as a ‘Casanova’ is usually very good at smooth talk. He is the type of guy that will say exactly what you want to hear. And instead of sharing his opinion on important matters, he will just agree with you to avoid a discussion. Because of that, conversations tend to be one-sided, mostly about you and tend to get s*xual quickly. He will show great interest in how to seduce you, but little interest in who you are as a person. Most times, because he has an ulterior motive and sometimes because he avoids authenticity and is putting on a mask.


Although it’s very easy to be flattered by an overly seductive man, those sparks quickly die down when you realize that there is no deeper connection. As such, the only type of woman that enjoys this type of relationship is an emotionally unavailable woman (yes they exist too). Or some lady out there who only wants just a fling.


5. He Dismisses Your Feelings.

Okay don’t get this point wrong, because not every man that doesn’t know how to deal with a woman’s feelings is emotionally unavailable per say. However, a man that repeatedly reacts cold and uncaring to your feelings most likely has a hard time connecting to his own feelings. Therefore, he gets uncomfortable or mad when you share your feelings of fear, sadness or anger. And just when you try to share your worries or challenges, he says you’re too sensitive and dismisses them. This behaviour usually leads to a feeling of loneliness and rejection in such relationships.


6. He Sabotages the Relationship.

I’m not too sure if this point is considered a conscious or a subconscious behaviour, but what I know is that people who are emotionally unavailable will always look for flaws in the relationship that justify their behaviour. They will find reasons why you don’t meet their ‘requirements’ or cannot be trusted and will even go as far as accusing you of being too emotional, too needy or too anything just to have an excuse not to open up.


They manipulate you into thinking that you expect too much from them and are unwilling to be patient or allow the relationship to grow. Or they could still exaggerate certain characters you possess just to make you feel like you’re a very bad person or someone with an unbearable character. They do this just to avoid getting too close or intimate with you. Obviously, this sign of an emotionally unavailable man is also a sign of toxicity, therefore pay good attention to this type of behaviour.


7. He Does not Invest in the Relationship.

One of the signs that a man is emotionally unavailable that you can only spot later down the line is when he doesn’t invest in the relationship. A healthy relationship requires both partners to give and take equally and also be willing to compromise. A man that is emotionally unavailable is reluctant to make you a priority. You will feel like you have to try super hard to make things work because he turns down every attempt of you showing him love, care and appreciation. Chances are that he is not invested in the relationship and therefore doesn’t want you to be either.


If you are already in a committed relationship with someone like this, then my hope is that he takes steps towards becoming emotionally available. But if not, you have to sit and really think about whether or not you want to pursue the relationship and risk being married to an emotionally unavailable husband.


8. He is Apprehensive to Relationship Progress.

A guy that wants to keep the relationship casual and is apprehensive about progressing the relationship is avoiding the next level of commitment. Meaning that he is happy with the way things are at that moment. So whether it’s a situationship or a relationship without purpose, he is comfortable because he doesn’t have to give more of himself.


Atimes, this means he doesn’t have to introduce you to his friends or family members or maybe he just doesn’t want to meet with you as often as you would like to. It’s pretty much it’s the next level of intimacy he is only trying to avoid because that would require him to open up more. But he just does not want to go to that extent, yet or maybe never.


9. He Lacks an Emotional Connection to Himself.

A very crucial thing to note here is that men, in general, have a far smaller emotional vocabulary than women. Meaning that they have a harder time communicating their feelings. This is because men, unlike women, rarely discuss feelings with their friends or family members, probably because they were raised to not express their emotion and feelings. They just have to keep it in always. As such, they don’t need to know how to verbalize them. And if they don’t talk about their feelings, the chance that they think about them could be very slim as well.


It takes men a while until they are able to communicate, face or deal with their emotions. Some men will make an effort to grow emotionally for the sake of a relationship, while others won’t even move a muscle. Those ones that don’t, firstly, lack an emotional connection to themselves and secondly, therefore have a harder time connecting to a woman emotionally.


10. Most Times, He Does Not Have Good Intentions.

Believe it or not, some people just straight out have no interest in being emotionally available because they have no good intentions for you. A guy that only wants to use you, will never try to connect to you on a deeper level. He will purposefully only share as much as is needed to get what he wants. This guy is essentially a player and will only break your heart in the long run. To get tips or guides on how to protect yourself from guys like this or let’s just call them… ‘the Casanovas’, then don’t hesitate to…

Read this: Ladies and the Co*kies – Safeguarding Your Woman hood.


While I strongly suggest you run when you detect this sign of an emotionally unavailable man, I still believe that some men that display these signs or characteristics can still become great partners. Just that a little push and effort on your own part is required. As long as you know how to deal with someone who is emotionally unavailable, without losing yourself, you can handle.


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